My battle on moving on

Shared my story to my N@w family last 29th June 2011
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It's been more than a month since my little Rylee said good bye to our world. My husband and our family are still in process of healing. I re-read all your email responses and i can't also believe that i have that kind of faith.


Shempre before I made u all cry because of what happen to Rylee but let me share with you all how my little angel help me and his daddy cope up in our everyday living. I still owe you guys a lot during our difficult times and i believe i should also let you know how iam :)

Nakakapanuod na ng sine, nakakatawa na, nakakapagbasa ng mga books at e-books, nakikisagot na sa mga emails natin. That's my life for the past month na wala sa tabi ko physically si Rylee. I was basically living one day at a time not like before na laging nasa isip ko makaipon, makabili ng ganito/ganyan. dumating sa point na everything is useless na wala akong gana magwork ganun din ang asawa ko.

Totoo ung sabi nyo that Rylee will be watching me and he's always with me kasi nararamdaman ko specially paglungkot na lungkot ako. Nagtanong din ako kung bakit nya ako iniwan, masama ba akong mommy kaya cya umalis? My son gave all the answers to my question. One morning, i was crying so hard habang tulog si Rudy after watching his video. I decided to open the TV, ayun lipat lipat hangang makarating ako sa palabas na Tom and Jerry kung saan hinahabol nila ung duckling, eh ung duckling langoy lang ng langoy tapos dinala sa pond then bumalik ung duckling sa bahay nina tom kasama ung apat pa na duckling tapos ngswim ng nagswim. Eh di ba mdalas sa tom and jerry sila lang naghahabulan pero dito may kasama sila. Wala akong naririnig at naiintindihan sa palabas nakatitig lang ako. After nun bigla na lang pumasok sa isip ko "Mommy kaya ako umalis kasi i promise the other angels na babalik ako kasi ako ung leader nila" pero wala akong iniisip. I told Rudy about it and he said di ba nagtanong ka kung bakit cya umalis.

My second question to Rylee if Uno and him is the same. Our god parent invited us sa isang healing service sa may sanctuario. It was a great night, i'm still crying but able to praise God. Nung time na un nagdadasal kami ni Rudy together i was holding his hand nung tiningnan ko ung mga mata nya parang mata ni Rylee na kumikindat pagpinapatulog ko ang nasabi ko sa sarili ko naku nagkita yata mag-ama ko. After he prayed, he told me na nagkita sila ni Rylee and he's a big boy na about 2-3 yrs old. He was wearing a white gown at takbo ng takbo kaso may little na cyang pak-pak then Rudy saw a man in white clothes hinila daw ni Rylee un and the man carried him. Rudy told Rylee that he will still be waiting in the white fence and his son just smiled at him. We believe that the person carried him was Jesus (sis my husband is not sleeping he was praying that time). Thanks to the book shared by sis Lea ni Ryan na Heaven is Real where i can imagine my little Rylee in heaven. After the great service, pagsakay ko ng sasakyan I just told my husband "alam mo hun, isa na lang di pa nasasagot sa akin ni Rylee kung cya at si Uno ay iisa" that was my statement. Along edsa nagtanong si Rudy ng oras and both of us looked at the info in the car. It was "27 C 11:11" ayun kinilabutan na kami kasi nagulat kami sa nakalagay bkit?? 27 was rylee's b-day, pag-inadd nyo ung apat na one ay magiging 4. Lalabas April 27, so what's the catch?! Uno's edd should be January 1, 2011 "11:11" ayun kinilabutan na kami, Rudy said "alam mo ang lakas mo sa anak mo bilis ng sagot nya" i remembered some din told us during the wake na baka si Uno din cya na bumalik. Ganun din ang sinabi sa akin ni Mommy Benz nung nagkita kami. Rylee make a way para masagot nya ko.

Shempre nagtatanong na din ako nilulubos ko na, i asked him again bakit 19days lang bkit hindi forever? Itong tanong ko na ang matagal bago nasagot. June 16, nagising ako para hanapin ung ultrasound ni Uno. Ayun Rylee answered my question again. Ung laki kasi ni Uno based sa U/S is 8weeks ++ but based dun sa EDD it should be 10weeks++ (forgot the exact days) pero nung binilang ko ung difference it was exactly 19days. I was crying hard again at hinanap ko ung letter/email na nagawa ko nung time ni Uno na ni-share ko sa naw. Mag-isa pala ako all those times. Mula nung ma-operahan, hangang makauwi sa bahay since kailangan magwork ni Rudy. Mag-isa lang pala akong nagluksa nun kasi ang kasama ko lang ung laptop, TV at cellphone. 19days kasi un pala ung pinagkait sa akin that time wla akong kamalay-malay na wala na cyang buhay sa sinapupunan ko. Rylee was born healthy. 9/9 agpar score nya yet he died of cardiac arrest same with my Uno who lost his heartbeat without my knowledge within those 19days.

It was truly God's gift. Pwedeng nakita ni Uno kung gaano ako kalungkot that's why He asked Jesus na makasama ako sa loob ng 19days na feeling ko trinaidor ako nung nawala si Uno. Pero when Buchugg came inayos nya ang lahat. Never nangyari na nag-isa ako. Mula sa labor room kasama ko ang buong family ko hangang sa nawala cya di ako nag-isa. Nung nagluluksa kami Jesus touched you guys to comfort me and di nyo pinagdamot ung time, prayers, candles nyo sa amin. Now i understand why God didn't allow me to deliver him normally kasi kung normal delivery wala kaming maraming pictures kasi kailangan katabi ko si Daddy para mag-push. :) now i have lots of good memories. Everytime i tell this story lagi nilang sinasabi napaka-spoiled ko na Mommy. I guess they are right. I keep asking my son for answers and he will make it a way pata sagutin ako.

Rainbow story.
Nung time na pinapaayos namin ung bubong ng sementeryo ni Rylee bigla kong nasabi habang katabi ko si Rudy sa sasakyan "anak, bigyan mo naman ng rainbow c mommy kasi i feel sad today. Pero ayaw ko ng drawing ng rainbow ha (kasi along the way makakakita ka ng rainbow drawing dahil un ang logo ng calumpit)" natawa si Rudy sa request ko. I waited the whole day sa cementery kaso wala talaga tapos biglang umulan ng 4:30 sabi ko ayan baka lumabas na pero wala talaga. So ayun di na ako umaasa kasi naman impossible diba. Habang pauwi na kmi sa Hagonoy bigla akong napasigaw at napapreno si Rudy (buti walang sasakyan sa likod) coz i saw my rainbow. Yes sisses, Rylee gave me my rainbow alam ko na kinulit nya na naman si Jesus for that kahit si Rudy di makapaniwala sabi nya ang lakas ko sa anak ko.

Everytime i remember that rainbow it's also a reminder kung gaano kabait ang Diyos na despite sa sakit nanararamdaman ko he always assures na he will never abandon us. Iam a spoiled mommy to my husband and to my son. I'm missing him everyday. I'm still longing for him. Di ko alam at di ko mapapramis na di na ako ulit iiyak kasi umiiyak na naman ako. All i can promise him is that mommy will be strong and i will be moving on. Sa ngayon may bagong project na kami ni Rudy. On friday babalik na kami sa Sg. Di ko man dala physically si Rylee, i have all the good memories na buhay na buhay sa isip at puso ko.

Sabi ko sa inyo super long read cya. Gusto ko lang po na malaman nyo na I'm ok :) i'm living one day at a time and i'm really excited to have a child soon. Alam ko malapit na. Rudy, rylee and i keep on praying sa pagdating ng kapatid nya. Kung di lang ako CS pwede na sana ulit hehe.

Thank you for reading. I hope i was able to share again a little part of me. My Rylee pot (uno pot) helped me finished this email.

Rylee pot always remember that i love you forever son :) and i'm crying again ;)

Escie (and Rudy Sebastian)
October 17, 2009
Rys Rylee Joachim (my loving Uno/Buchugg)
April 27, 2011 - May 16, 2011