Rylee's 3rd month birthday celebration

Rylee just turned 3months yesterday and I believe he's celebrating it with a blast in heaven together with all the angels. Since we can't be there to party, my husband and I together with our family decided to have a monthly celebration for our beloved little one :)

our little altar for Angel Rylee

Rylee's balloon from Daddy :)

with his yummy birthday cake

Happy Birthday Rylee pot-pot

with his lovable Mom and Dad

Mama La and Tita Ninang Sha

Rylee got some company [Tito JR, Tito Chan, Tito Edgar, Dad and Tito Royce]

1st time to celebrate my birthday in Singapore

My 18 days experience as a Nursing Mom

"Welcome to the Milk Mama Diaries Carnival (July).  For this month, we join the National Nutrition Council - Department of Health in celebrating Nutrition Month with the theme "Isulong ang Breastfeeding - Tama, Sapat at EKsklusibo!" Participants will share their experiences in promoting breastfeeding or their tips on how breastfeeding should be promoted.  Please scroll down to the end of this post and check out the other carnival participants."

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I've been reading many blogs regarding nawie mommies sharing their experiences in breastfeeding and joining the DOH campaign. While reading their stories it came to my mind why not share my 18days journey with my Rylee.

During my pregnancy, Rudy and I made an agreement that I will do my very best to breastfeed our son. So i equip myself on reading post from our nawie group. I even sent some personal queries to other mommies and they kindly response to it. I read and research online. I made Rudy promise that if I feel on giving up he should not allow me and he should be firm with it (even if I'll cry to death). Even the hospital we chose supports breastfeeding. The first item that we bought for our son was an Avent Electric single pump.

Came April 27, 2011. The best day of my life. God gave me a beautiful gift, my Rylee. The first time I experienced to breastfed Rylee. I thought it was easy since he sucked very well during our first time, maybe because I'm on anesthesia that time :)

Rylee and Mommy's first meeting.

our very first breastfeeding session

As the anesthesia subsides, "painful" reality sunk in. It was painful as i remembered it when I nursed him in the recovery room but I promise myself that I will never give-up and I will do my best to give him the very best that I can offer. The first 24 hours was indeed challenging. I need to nurse him every 2 hours, there are times that I cannot understand why he keeps on crying and it tears me that my mom keeps on telling me that he's hungry and my milk supply was not enough, that we should give him formula. I keep on telling or yelling at her that I will not give him formula and the hospital will not allow it. True enough the hospital nurses, my OB and Rylee's pedia explained the policy to my mom and taught me how to nurse properly. My OB explained that even I'm just giving a drop of milk to Rylee it was enough for him. Still my mom insist on giving formula and the resident pedia gave us a prescription to buy a box of S-26 and Wilkins water and we introduce cup feeding while waiting for my milk to come out. I felt i was betrayed by my own mom and loser at the same time and she explained that when I was a baby I was formula fed although it was mixed since she also breastfed me for about 3 months.  But after a heart-to-heart talk with my mom and explained my side why I really wanted to do it she understand and supported my/our decision on breastfeeding.

So we cupfed and breastfed Rylee at the same time. Every 2 hours i need to nurse him for 30mins then after that the nurse will give him 20ml S26 formula milk, he's so cute and he's a natural for using cup. The hospital didn't want to introduce the bottle to avoid nipple confusion.

cup-feeding session of Rylee at SLMC

It was easy being at the hospital since we can get all the professional help we needed. After 4 days at the hospital the real journey began... Rudy and I decided to stop giving formula milk to Rylee but instead to continue breastfeeding him, my sister Yna who's a nurse by profession gave us advise on how i can properly fed my son. It wasn't easy specially when i experienced breast engorgement. That's the time that I wanted to give up. I was crying since my milk doesn't want to come out. Rylee was wailing and I felt tortured since I can't give him milk. I told Rudy to give Rylee a cup of formula milk but he insisted that I should pursue on breastfeeding him. I was crying and begging him to help Rylee to stop him from wailing and crying coz i'm hurting while seeing him that way. My sister Yna took Rylee away and gave him to my Mother-in-law. Rudy and Yna started to massage me and let me calm down. after that they gave me a breast massage and viola the first drop of milk came out. Tears of happiness were flowing in my eyes. My husband was also happy and took Rylee immediately from my MIL so I can feed him. My son sucked and I felt he was happy and comfortable.  To help my milk supply I started taking malunggay capsules (3caps per meal), drinking lots of water (specially during feeding time) and eating healthy food. After Rylee finished his session I will pumped both of my breast to properly drained all excess milk. Then I noticed that my milk was increasing as days goes by. 

Last milk I pumped for my Rylee [May 15, 2011 at 1:12pm]. I managed to send this picture to his Dad to tell him that I have enough milk supply for his son.

It was indeed a great and priceless 18days breastfeeding journey that Rylee and I had shared because on his 19day he passed away [The battle of my 19days old son, Rylee ]

I may not be a breastfeeding mom right now but I'm encouraging every pregnant mom and moms to try and experience this wonderful journey. It wasn't easy though  butwith proper help, support and guidance from family and friends you can do it. Most of the breastfeeding moms I met were very kind in sharing their experiences and information. Internet is also a best tool in researching and preparing oneself for breastfeeding.  I thank God that he gave me the chance to provide "food" to my son and to have a special bonding moment that I will treasure forever. I have priceless memories that no one can take away from me and every time I read mommies about their breastfeeding story, I remember my Rylee. I remember our times together. Our wonderful journey.

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Mec - http://www.mecasmom.com/2011/07/taking-breastfeeding-further.html
Jenny Ong - http://fabnaima.blogspot.com/2011/07/more-on-breastfeeding-promotion-plus.html
Benz - http://mimmabenz.com/2011/07/20/milk-mama-diaries-3/
Erlaine - http://mommyerl.blogspot.com/2011/07/breastfeeding-promoting-it-even-if-i.html
Pittipat - http://imperfectlycreated.blogspot.com/2011/07/on-promoting-breastfeeding.html

Other entries that I got from sis Mec
Formula feeder from the US - http://fearlessformulafeeder.blogspot.com/2011/07/breastfeeding-promotion-tips-from.html (very illuminating the comments as well)

Doctor Mom from UK - http://goodenoughmummy.typepad.com/good_enough_mum/2011/07/breastfeeding-promotion.html

 

Night job!!!

Nakakapagod na din magnight job activity. No time to have quality moments with my husband and my family.
But yesterday was really special to me. On my way home sobrang antok at pagod na talaga ako and I ask my son to watch over me while I sleep. Everyday we always light 3 candles. Ang nakakatuwa dito mula nung sinindihan ni Sha ung mga candles ng 7:30am di un namatay hangang nagising ako ng 11:30am eh maliit lang na kandila un. Tumagal pa un hangang 2:30 ng hapon. I believe my son is really watching over me. Di ko man cya physically kasama he's always besides me.


And I encounter this message on web:

I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love.

Leo Buscaglia

Mommy's letter to Rylee pot

Dear Rylee,

It's been 2 months since you said good-bye to Mommy. But the feeling is still the same. Parang kahapon lang nangyari. Don't get me wrong son, i know you are happy now in heaven. It's just that I miss you dearly. Lahat na ng bagay sa buhay namin dito sa Singapore bumalik na sa normal pero ung feelings ko abnormal pa din. I tried looking at your pictures dun sa NICU pero ung sakit ng mga pangyayari nandun pa din. Sa mga oras na sinusulat ko ito iyak ako ng iyak. Kailangan gawin ito ni mommy kasi nahihirapan ako ikimkim sa loob. I'm trying to be normal, to act normal son but it's hard. Sobrang masakit talaga. I'm praying to God to embrace me right now. siguro kaya din ako ganito kasi nakabasa ako ng mga sulat ng mga mommies na umalis din ung mga anak nila kasi nga tinawag na ni Jesus.

Sometimes anak I don't want to be alone. Kasi naalala kita. Alam mo di naman takot si Mommy na bumuhat ng mga babies, di din ako takot na tumingin. Alam mo i admire babies and kids and I'm so happy for their parents. Di naman naiingit si mommy sa kanila kasi may Rylee ako. Saka ikaw lang ung gusto ko buhatin at yakapin. Ikaw ung gusto ko halikan, ikaw ung gusto kong yakap. Gusto kita marinig na umiyak. Akala ni mommy ready na cya to have Ryle Miguel pero ayoko maging unfair sa kapatid mo. Ayoko dumating ung time na hawak ko si Ryle pero iniisip kita at guilty ako or worried ako na may mangyayari din sa kanya. Kaya ko ito ginagawa kasi gusto talaga ni mommy mag-grieve ng tama.

2months son.. It's been 2 months pero i'm still sad for your lost. But don't worry ginagawa ni Mommy lahat para maging ok. Nasa process kasi ung acceptance based dun sa mga binabasa ko and I believe this is part of my acceptance. Di naman kasi ganun kadali na kalimutan ang katulad mo na gwapo, mabait at malambing na bata.

Naalala mo pagfeeding time na natin pinapatutog natin ung baby einstein na songs mo galing kay Tito Seph. Di ko na ulit napatutog un. Pero in time mapapatutog ko din un. So far medyo nahimasmasan na ako. I'm thinking clearly na.

Ikaw talaga Rylee you have ways to make me smile. Nakakatuwa ka na pagtingin ko sa laptop ni Daddy nakita ko ang napakagandang smile mo at napawi lahat ng lungkot ko. Like what I've said before, Mommy can't promise na i won't cry but I can promise you that I will move on and I will be strong and brave like you. If you will find me crying again it's because I really really miss you.

Hay malamang busy ka na naman sa mga trabaho mo sa heaven pero sana anak dadalawin mo ng madalas si Mommy at Daddy. Alam mo ba na binigyan ka ni Nanay La mo ng madaming lobo nung birthday nya? Si Papa Lo mo naman namimiss ka na din Buchugg.

Sana no pwede kita dalawin dyan kahit sandali makita at mayakap ko lang kayo ni Angel :) but It's not yet my time kaya papakabait kami ni Daddy para siguradong sa heaven kami pupunta :)
Sa ngayon nagbabasa pa din si mommy ng mga tips on pregnancy, baby related materials para ready si Mommy sa pagdating ni Ryle Miguel sa buhay natin.

I really really miss you my Rylee pot. I love you forever.

Love you forever,
Mommy

Surprise baby shower from my Core family

Days before my D-day, I got a message from Ate Janine for a meet-up at GB3 to pick-up the baby basket that I borrowed. Then she ask me if we can have a dinner at Jollibee but I asked her if it's ok to eat at Insal shop. San ka nakakita na ung buntis tinangihan sa gustong kainan. hehehe. As we approach Jollibee GB1 i saw some familiar faces and yes the made my dream came true -- A Jollibee party!!!! Side note, since I was a kid I really wanted to have this, yet due to some financial issues hehehe (dami kaya namin nag-aaral :p) it's not possible.

To all my Core peeps family, thank you for your love, kindness, care and support. You know that I love you guys.

Maternity Photoshoot

My pre-delivery gift (Maternity photopackage from The Stork Studio) from my hubby Rudy.

 All photos are by Stanley Ong.

It was a great experience. I'm excited for my next maternity photoshoot. This time with my hubby Rudy :)
and it's a non-negotiable. :p

Rylee's different faces (inside my Tummy)

As part of my "moving-on" process, I'm sharing some happy moments with our dear Rylee.

Rylee at 23weeks and 1 day. Taken last December 2010 at In my Womb, Glorietta.

I remebered that Rudy and I were both excited after seeing him inside my tummy. He's so adorable and I can't believe that God is so good for choosing me to be his mom.

Rylee,

Everyday I miss you son. Daddy and Mommy keeps on talking about you. We can never forget you.
Always remember that we LOVE you so much and we will always be here together. Thank you for all the memories you've shared. Alam mo yun ang laging topic ng story namin ni Daddy. Paulit-ulit and we smile or laugh as we remembered all those precious time.

I know and I believe that you are guiding us. I know you are happy now. Mommy and Daddy are also happy. There are just some times that we terribly miss you. Your cries, your smile, your touch, your smell.
Like now, I miss you that's why I'm writing you a letter again. I'm here in JW site to do some "baby-sitting job" yet I can't concentrate because I was thinking about you.

Son, we will love you forever. I'm truly excited seeing you once again. I'm excited when the time when God will finally call me. But for the meantime, you will be guiding mommy and daddy on our daily things. And i will always light a candle for you.

I love you forever my Rylee pot.

My battle on moving on

Shared my story to my N@w family last 29th June 2011
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It's been more than a month since my little Rylee said good bye to our world. My husband and our family are still in process of healing. I re-read all your email responses and i can't also believe that i have that kind of faith.


Shempre before I made u all cry because of what happen to Rylee but let me share with you all how my little angel help me and his daddy cope up in our everyday living. I still owe you guys a lot during our difficult times and i believe i should also let you know how iam :)

Nakakapanuod na ng sine, nakakatawa na, nakakapagbasa ng mga books at e-books, nakikisagot na sa mga emails natin. That's my life for the past month na wala sa tabi ko physically si Rylee. I was basically living one day at a time not like before na laging nasa isip ko makaipon, makabili ng ganito/ganyan. dumating sa point na everything is useless na wala akong gana magwork ganun din ang asawa ko.

Totoo ung sabi nyo that Rylee will be watching me and he's always with me kasi nararamdaman ko specially paglungkot na lungkot ako. Nagtanong din ako kung bakit nya ako iniwan, masama ba akong mommy kaya cya umalis? My son gave all the answers to my question. One morning, i was crying so hard habang tulog si Rudy after watching his video. I decided to open the TV, ayun lipat lipat hangang makarating ako sa palabas na Tom and Jerry kung saan hinahabol nila ung duckling, eh ung duckling langoy lang ng langoy tapos dinala sa pond then bumalik ung duckling sa bahay nina tom kasama ung apat pa na duckling tapos ngswim ng nagswim. Eh di ba mdalas sa tom and jerry sila lang naghahabulan pero dito may kasama sila. Wala akong naririnig at naiintindihan sa palabas nakatitig lang ako. After nun bigla na lang pumasok sa isip ko "Mommy kaya ako umalis kasi i promise the other angels na babalik ako kasi ako ung leader nila" pero wala akong iniisip. I told Rudy about it and he said di ba nagtanong ka kung bakit cya umalis.

My second question to Rylee if Uno and him is the same. Our god parent invited us sa isang healing service sa may sanctuario. It was a great night, i'm still crying but able to praise God. Nung time na un nagdadasal kami ni Rudy together i was holding his hand nung tiningnan ko ung mga mata nya parang mata ni Rylee na kumikindat pagpinapatulog ko ang nasabi ko sa sarili ko naku nagkita yata mag-ama ko. After he prayed, he told me na nagkita sila ni Rylee and he's a big boy na about 2-3 yrs old. He was wearing a white gown at takbo ng takbo kaso may little na cyang pak-pak then Rudy saw a man in white clothes hinila daw ni Rylee un and the man carried him. Rudy told Rylee that he will still be waiting in the white fence and his son just smiled at him. We believe that the person carried him was Jesus (sis my husband is not sleeping he was praying that time). Thanks to the book shared by sis Lea ni Ryan na Heaven is Real where i can imagine my little Rylee in heaven. After the great service, pagsakay ko ng sasakyan I just told my husband "alam mo hun, isa na lang di pa nasasagot sa akin ni Rylee kung cya at si Uno ay iisa" that was my statement. Along edsa nagtanong si Rudy ng oras and both of us looked at the info in the car. It was "27 C 11:11" ayun kinilabutan na kami kasi nagulat kami sa nakalagay bkit?? 27 was rylee's b-day, pag-inadd nyo ung apat na one ay magiging 4. Lalabas April 27, so what's the catch?! Uno's edd should be January 1, 2011 "11:11" ayun kinilabutan na kami, Rudy said "alam mo ang lakas mo sa anak mo bilis ng sagot nya" i remembered some din told us during the wake na baka si Uno din cya na bumalik. Ganun din ang sinabi sa akin ni Mommy Benz nung nagkita kami. Rylee make a way para masagot nya ko.

Shempre nagtatanong na din ako nilulubos ko na, i asked him again bakit 19days lang bkit hindi forever? Itong tanong ko na ang matagal bago nasagot. June 16, nagising ako para hanapin ung ultrasound ni Uno. Ayun Rylee answered my question again. Ung laki kasi ni Uno based sa U/S is 8weeks ++ but based dun sa EDD it should be 10weeks++ (forgot the exact days) pero nung binilang ko ung difference it was exactly 19days. I was crying hard again at hinanap ko ung letter/email na nagawa ko nung time ni Uno na ni-share ko sa naw. Mag-isa pala ako all those times. Mula nung ma-operahan, hangang makauwi sa bahay since kailangan magwork ni Rudy. Mag-isa lang pala akong nagluksa nun kasi ang kasama ko lang ung laptop, TV at cellphone. 19days kasi un pala ung pinagkait sa akin that time wla akong kamalay-malay na wala na cyang buhay sa sinapupunan ko. Rylee was born healthy. 9/9 agpar score nya yet he died of cardiac arrest same with my Uno who lost his heartbeat without my knowledge within those 19days.

It was truly God's gift. Pwedeng nakita ni Uno kung gaano ako kalungkot that's why He asked Jesus na makasama ako sa loob ng 19days na feeling ko trinaidor ako nung nawala si Uno. Pero when Buchugg came inayos nya ang lahat. Never nangyari na nag-isa ako. Mula sa labor room kasama ko ang buong family ko hangang sa nawala cya di ako nag-isa. Nung nagluluksa kami Jesus touched you guys to comfort me and di nyo pinagdamot ung time, prayers, candles nyo sa amin. Now i understand why God didn't allow me to deliver him normally kasi kung normal delivery wala kaming maraming pictures kasi kailangan katabi ko si Daddy para mag-push. :) now i have lots of good memories. Everytime i tell this story lagi nilang sinasabi napaka-spoiled ko na Mommy. I guess they are right. I keep asking my son for answers and he will make it a way pata sagutin ako.

Rainbow story.
Nung time na pinapaayos namin ung bubong ng sementeryo ni Rylee bigla kong nasabi habang katabi ko si Rudy sa sasakyan "anak, bigyan mo naman ng rainbow c mommy kasi i feel sad today. Pero ayaw ko ng drawing ng rainbow ha (kasi along the way makakakita ka ng rainbow drawing dahil un ang logo ng calumpit)" natawa si Rudy sa request ko. I waited the whole day sa cementery kaso wala talaga tapos biglang umulan ng 4:30 sabi ko ayan baka lumabas na pero wala talaga. So ayun di na ako umaasa kasi naman impossible diba. Habang pauwi na kmi sa Hagonoy bigla akong napasigaw at napapreno si Rudy (buti walang sasakyan sa likod) coz i saw my rainbow. Yes sisses, Rylee gave me my rainbow alam ko na kinulit nya na naman si Jesus for that kahit si Rudy di makapaniwala sabi nya ang lakas ko sa anak ko.

Everytime i remember that rainbow it's also a reminder kung gaano kabait ang Diyos na despite sa sakit nanararamdaman ko he always assures na he will never abandon us. Iam a spoiled mommy to my husband and to my son. I'm missing him everyday. I'm still longing for him. Di ko alam at di ko mapapramis na di na ako ulit iiyak kasi umiiyak na naman ako. All i can promise him is that mommy will be strong and i will be moving on. Sa ngayon may bagong project na kami ni Rudy. On friday babalik na kami sa Sg. Di ko man dala physically si Rylee, i have all the good memories na buhay na buhay sa isip at puso ko.

Sabi ko sa inyo super long read cya. Gusto ko lang po na malaman nyo na I'm ok :) i'm living one day at a time and i'm really excited to have a child soon. Alam ko malapit na. Rudy, rylee and i keep on praying sa pagdating ng kapatid nya. Kung di lang ako CS pwede na sana ulit hehe.

Thank you for reading. I hope i was able to share again a little part of me. My Rylee pot (uno pot) helped me finished this email.

Rylee pot always remember that i love you forever son :) and i'm crying again ;)

Escie (and Rudy Sebastian)
October 17, 2009
Rys Rylee Joachim (my loving Uno/Buchugg)
April 27, 2011 - May 16, 2011

The battle of my 19day old son, Rylee

I wrote this last May 18, 2011 at 9:27 AM, 2 days after Rylee made his goodbye. I made this letter/email to my fellow N@wies to share my pain after losing a child whom I love so much.

To my naw family, thank you for your love and prayers for Rylee, for me and my husband and our family.

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Hello Nawies,


First, I would like to thank you all for the prayers and love you shared for my son, Rylee, to my husband Rudy and to our family.

Di ko na maiisa-isa kayo but I'm really greatful po sa mga messages nyo. Minsan nalulungkot ako isipin kasi lagi ang nasashare ko dito eh ung pagkawala ng mga anak ko.

I'm trying to be sane, sa ngayon kailangan ko ito gawin para mailabas ung sakit na nararamdaman ko. Basag na basag ako ngayon. Kami ng asawa ko. Ang bilis-bilis ng mga pangayayari at ngayon ako ang nakatingin sa anak ko na payapa na nakahimlay.

What really happened to Rylee? Last Sunday morning napapahirapan nya ako magdede cya sa akin. Eh malakas cya magsuck at typical around 10-15mins cya magdede. Nung morning na un tinatangihan nya ako pero alam ko gutom na cya. I tried to express my milk para madede nya sa bote, he tried pero konti lang. Nung napayapa ko cya from crying dumede na cya sa akin pero sandali na lang hangang sa makatulog cya. Around 10:30 nagising na naman. Laro-laro muna bago paliguan. No signs of anything at dumede sa akin ng marami hangang nakatulog.

2pm: ito na, iba ang gising nya aburido cya. so i thought gugutom lang cya. I tried to feed him kaso ayaw nya talaga. tapos iba na ung iyak nya bilang cyang namutla at nanlamig. Nung hinipo ung tyan matigas so akala colic na naman kaso iba talaga ung pakiramdam ko. walang liguan pinack namin gamit nya at pumunta kaagad sa st. luke's. Wala kaming driver so taxi lang. Sa taxi iba na ung iyak nya alam mong nahihirapan cya. I tried talking and holding his hand na sinasabi ko na konting tiis anak, malapit na tau sa hospital. I love you rylee habang yakap cya ni mama. Pagdating namin sa ER inasikaso naman cya. Mabilis ung pangyayari nakuhanan na cya ng blood test, x-ray etc. Awang-awa na ako kay Rylee sa mga inilalagay sa kanya. Unang diagnosis baka sepsis kasi nga may mga cases daw na nagmamanifest after birth. Dinala kami ng wheel chair papuntang ICU. Wala akong kamalayan na during those times eh 50/50 na si Rylee. I'm just hugging him and telling him that I love him so much. I'm so sorry for the pain. Paulit-ulit un. Pagdating sa NICU kinuha cya kaagad ng mga doctor at inilabas ako. Ayaw ako kausapin ng mga doctor at nurses kasi tanong ako ng tanong kung kamusta cya after one hour i think dun ako nilabas ng doctor at kinausap, ask ng history saka kung may symptoms akong nakita sa anak ko so ako kwento. Then inamin nya sa akin na nirevived nya si Rylee dahil nga nawala ung tibok ng puso nya. Hay para akong binagsakan ng kung ano sa puso. dun din sinabi na nagpatawag ng cardiologist at surgeon to check ung heart at liver/intestine nya. Sa totoo lang pilit ko inaabsorb ang lahat pero di ko na maintindihan. Around 5pm dumating ung surgeon initial diagnosis nya ung Hisprung diseases na sinasabing may di nadevelop na ugat sa akin na nagdudugtog sa large intestine at anus. Operation lang daw ang pwedeng gawin dun. Kaso macoconfirmed lang un once Rylee got stable para makakuha ng bagong X-ray. The doctor tried na pa-pupu si Rylee and in 1 hr nakapupu cya 3 times sobrang saya ko nun kasi na-ruled out ung Hisprung disease.

Habang nasa loob kami ng NICU sobrang bilis ng oras. The nurses sedate my son, ung reason masyado cyang malikot at natatangal ung mga apparatus na nakakabit sa kanya. while giving the antibiotics na pinapasok sa may kamay nya si Rylee alam kong umiiyak kaso dahil may respirator walang sound na maririnig. I'm holding his hand at parang nagsusumbong na "mommy masakit" ang sabi ko na lang. Rylee sorry for the pain son. Kaso kailangan mo yan. Mommy is here. mommy will never leave you. Mommy loves you so much. At nakikinig si Rylee na sinasabing ok mommy I will. Eh ang liit-liit nya. Kung ako nga nilalagyan ng antibiotics nung pinanganak ko cya eh sobrang nasasaktan paano pa ung anak ko na maliiit diba. He got stable for a few hours. Di ko nga alam kung matatwag ba talagang stability un kasi nga may nakakabit na apparatus sa kanya.

Around 11pm umakyat ako sa chapel sa may 5th floor. I prayed to Jesus and I told him na hindi ko isususko si Rylee, Sabi ko nga binalato ko na sayo si Uno. Usapan natin diba na kapag nagtuloy-tuloy ung pregnancy ko at nailabas ko c Buchugg akin na ito. Bakit ngayon binabawi mo. I'm asking for a miracle kasi pinatatagtag ko ung faith ko. Honestly while praying ung subconcious ko nakakakita ako ng ambagan, lamay, casket. Kaya lalo akong naging matigas na Lord di ko isususko si Rylee.

Nakabalik ako ng 3rd floor sa NICU ng quarter to 11. Bigla akong tinawag ng nurse kasi medyo stable na daw si Rylee. Pero namali pala ng twag ang nurse. Dun ko nakita na nirerevived si Rylee. Nung mjga oras na un di ko alam mararamadam ko. Bumagsak ako sa sahig at hirap na hirap ko tingnan si Rylee. He's fighting for his life. Nung nakita ko cya sa ganung kalagayan ang nasabi ko na lang "Lord, I surrender. I humbly surrender my son" I'm just asking na tulungan mo cya na kayanin hangang pagdating ng daddy nya. Di kasi ganun kadali na makita na hirap na hirap ung anak mo. God gave me my 1st miracle. Pero ung 12-2:15am namin ang mga nakakatakot na sandali. Nagcacrash talaga ung puso ni Rylee pro lumalaban cya. itong mga oras na ito dito nangyari ung 3 beses na cardiac arrest nya. Sabi nung attending doctor lumalaban cya kaso mahina na talaga ung puso ni Rylee. Ung mga oras na un nasa labas lang ako ng NICU kasama ko ung kapatid ko. Traumatic na cya kasi ung mga allert sound ng mga makina ung tunog nung hangin ang sabi ko na lang di pa ba tapos? Yna tingnan mo kung tapos na. nilakasan ko ung loob ko na tingnan kaso ganun pa din. Sabi ko kay Rylee di iiyak si mommy kasi matapang ung anak ko. di na ako umiiyak nung mga oras na un. 2am, kinausap na ako ni Dr Janet Go na they tried to revieved him for more than 45mins pero ayun nga nahihirapan na cya kaya pinapasok na kami at inamin na nya na anytime pwede na bumigay si Rylee. I hold my son's hands and telling him that im really really sorry for he pain. That im so proud of him coz he's a fighter. I told him how much mommy and daddy loves him. I keep on kissing his feet and his hand at paulit-ulit ko na sinasabi na mahal na mahal ko cya. Sabi ko anak alam kong lumalaban ka para mahinatay mo si Daddy pero alam kong pagod na pagod ka na din ako na magsasabi kay daddy kung paano ka lumaban kung paano mo siya hinintay. Then I ask the doctor kung may priest, nakatawag sila ng pastor at nabigyan ng annointing of the sick si Rylee. Akala ko at baptism ay iisa, kinausap ko ung pastor sinabi ko na di pa nabibinyagan si Rylee pot ko. Habang pababa ang signs nya I asked for my 2nd miracle, nakiusap ako na anak isang hiling na lang ni mommy kung di mo na mahihintay si daddy please mabinyagan ka lang. and I got my miracle, Huminga si Rylee sa sarili nya nakita ko kasi sa moniotor nya pababa na mga signs nya. Pero dun sa hiniling ko sa kanya huminga siya ulit at lumaban. After nung baptism nya sabi ko anak thank you. Thank you for loving me. for being with me. You may now rest in peace. I love you. Mommy and daddy loves you so much and he had his last breath. It was a peaceful death. Everyone around me was crying even the doctors and nurses. Ako isiningaw ko lang ung name nya ng malakas na malakas at sinabi kong mahal na mahal ko cya. Pero di ako umiyak sa harap nya kasi nga fighter ang anak ko. Binigyan kami ni Rylee ng oras to cuddle him, but i cuddle him arround 1-2mins ang bigat nya kasi. di kasi un ung Rylee na kalaro ko at painadede ko. Ayaw ko maalala ung gnung kalagayan yan. Gusto ko happy memeories lang. I kissed him and hugged him telling him how much I love him, then I gave him back to the doctors at lumabas ako ng NICU.

Iyakan lang ang nangyari sa loob ng room na binigay sa amin ng mga nurses. around 3:30am nakiusap ako sa BF ng kapatid ko nasasama ako sa pagsundo kay Rudy sa airport. Kailangan ako ang magsabi sa kanya. I gave them instructions na wala muna silang pagsasabihan hangang di dumadating si Rudy. Sa pagpunta namin sa airport dala ko ung huling damit na ginamit nya ung celtics na green saka ung swaddle. Ang tagal ng oras dumating ang plane ni Rudy ng 5am. Nung nakita ko cya I just embraced him at dun ako umiyak ng umiyak. Dun ko nalaman na pagod na pagod na pala ako. Na kailanagan ko na umiyak at natutuwa ako na kasama ko na si Rudy. Sabi ko kay Rudy wag na wag nya ako iiwanan. Ang sakit ibalita sa asawa mo na wala na ung anak nya. Ikinuwento ko kung paano lumaban si Rylee para hintayin cya, even his doctor tried para lang magkita sila. Kaso pagod na si Rylee. rudy told me na nagparadam sa kanya si Rylee kasi sa airplane bigla nyang naamoy ung pupu ni Rylee at may umiyak na bata. Kinabahan cya nun. Nung tinignan nya ang oras 2:10am. sabi ko un ang oras na namatay si Rylee. Isa din sa pinakamasakit sa akin eh ung pagkikita nila ni Rylee sa may morgue kasi malamig na si Rylee nun. we keep on kissing him lalo ang asawa ko. Nung nailabas namin si Rylee from morgue para iuwi dito sa Hagonoy si Rudy ang sumakay dun sa service ng funeral ako sa isang sasakyan kasi baka bumigay ako. Sinabi ni Rudy na karga nya si Rylee mula paglabas ng parking ng St. Luke's hangang makauwi kami ng bahay nila. Kinakausap nya si Rylee pot ko kasi nga naalog baka masaktan.

Ung totoo di ko alam kung paano tatapusin itong email na ito. Kasi hangang ngayon di pa din ako makapaniwala na wala na sa amin si Rylee pot ko. Never kasi kami nakakita ng signs na may problema o may nararamdaman cya. I was there almost all the time. Aalis man ako nandun sina Mama at Papa para bantayan cya. Can i just close this with my message to my son Rylee.




Dearest Rylee pot,

I love you. I love you forever. Mommy love \s you so much. Son, thank you for coming into my life. Ikaw ang pinakamagandang regalo na natangap ko sa buhay ko. Kayo ng daddy mo ang pinakamagandang pangyayari sa buhay ko. Sa totoo lang nasasakatan talaga si mommy ngayon pero Mommy needs to be strong. Kung makikita mo man ako na umiiyak it's because kailangan ko ito gawin para mailabas ko ung sakit pero alam mo naman na ipinagkatiwala na kita kay Jesus. Anak, sa ngayon di ko alam, kami ng daddy mo kung san ulit magsisimula. di namin alam kung san kami pupunta. Ang mga lolo't lola pati mga tita at tito umikot ang mundo sau. In God's time maiintindihan namin ung dahilan.

Salamat anak at pinaranas mo sa akin maging ina. Mahal na mahal kita anak. Rest in peace my Rylee pot isasama natin si rubber ducky sa pagalis mo. Please anak tell Jesus to help me and daddy to move on to be sane. Till we meet again son. I love you forever. Mommy and Daddy loves you so much. I'm so proud of you my son. I love you. I love you. I love you. di na kita ulit mayayakap. Madaya ka di na natin nagawa ung surprise father's gift kay daddy. But i now happy ka na dyan. Laro na kayo nina Jesus. Ikamusta mo kami kay Angel at Uno. Wag kayo mag-aaway ha. Pagnagutom wag masyadong malakas ang iyak ha. I love you. I love you forever.
Love you son, Mommy Escie and Daddy Rudy.
--
Rudy and Escie Sebastian
October 17, 2009
Rys Rylee Joachim (Buchugg)
April 27, 2011 - May 16, 2011

Jurong East, Singapore